chronicles

This year, I’ve decided that my New Year’s Resolution is worthy enough to share with the world. In 2012, I will learn to stop hating other women.

I don’t have to love every other woman, or even like her—let’s not go crazy here—but if I can stop that persistent, mind-crushing urge to hate by the end of 2012, I’ll be happy.

Generally, I don’t hate Women-I-Know. Unless the world has been given to her by rich momma and daddy while she doesn’t lift a damn finger to accomplish any work, I’m pretty good at considering Women-I-Know as human beings with nuances, contradictions, and histories. Hating someone becomes infinitely more difficult when you can identify with them.

But when it comes to women such as Heidi Montag, Sarah Palin, and the entire cast of Made In Chelsea, to name a very small handful, I absolutely get off on rolling my eyes when I hear the latest gossip through friends or (yes, admittedly) on Perez Hilton. Thank you, Snooki, for getting punched in the face by a dude, thereby confirming that maybe I’m not such a bad person. Simultaneously, that pest Ms. Jealousy constantly gnaws away at me—and thank you, Snooki, for being able to publish a best-selling book, while the literate writers flounder in rejection letters. 

Well, it’s high time I wean myself from this drug.

So you got a boob job? That’s none of my business, and I won’t hate you for it.

Your daddy paid for you to study abroad in Italy, even though you don’t give a shit about school, and you know nothing about the contributions of the ancient world to Western society? Definitely nooot going to judge you. Definitely not.

You ignore the implications of real social anxiety, instead taking advantage of these stereotypes by making them “quirky,” all while dumbing down your jokes and ultimately conforming to a man’s dream girl?  (Spoilers: yes, I’m talking specifically about Zooey Deschanel.) Okay, I haven’t found a way not to mentally pair your image with evil, but that’s what 2012 is all about. I’m going to learn how not to hate the ultimate Manic Pixie Dream Girl! Impossible? No way! But it’ll certainly be a wild ride.

My goal of becoming more like Leslie Knope, future first female president of the United States of America, just keeps on gettin’ closer each day.